The Winner

What is the point of waking up tomorrow if she's not there?

If I could will myself to not wake up I'd fucking do it. But it doesn't work that way.

I treated her like nothing. Now she's gone. She never knew... neither of us knew. If I could go back and not just kiss her, but simply hold her hand once more... and now it's gone.

She deserved more than I could ever give her. I'm the most selfish man alive. I had the greatest gift a man could ever ask for. She was proof that there is a god.

This is hell. To have lived with her and not tell her I love her enough. To take back every fucking cross word and every complaint.

She deserved so much more. More than I could have ever given her.

Now the silence will be deafening.

This morning I broke a clock. I was so tired of its constant clicking. Now that she's gone I don't need it. But it was hers. It was not mine to destroy. It's like I still don't get it. The most amazing woman on earth loved something and I destroyed it. It's gone.

If life is some contest I won it a long fucking time ago. I won. And I didn't even give a shit.

Why in hell did she choose me?

Me.

This selfish little fuck up.

Me.

If I could tear out my beating heart I would.

I only shaved this morning because she would have liked that. I only do things for her now because I'm too stupid to have done it then.

It's the least I could do.

The love of my life is gone. I can't live on thinking of her in just memories. I can't change them. If I could I would give her the man I had lied about being.





Thank you all for coming.